i'm ok (:

hey everybody.
thanks for those who encouraged me. (:
i'm ok now. we're ok.
it was a bad spat but i guess you could say we saw it through.
i have a soft spot for him la grrrr.

so how did u all spend v-day? happily i hope.
i blog-hopped abit and everyone seems so blissful :D
like shuning. and JQ is attached to that sunrise guy! yay. got her permission to blog about it here.
for those trying to chase the girl of their dreams ( u all know who u are)
gambate! same goes for the girls waiting for their prince charming.
there is one in this world for everyone.

v-day for me started out with me being awoken by my sister's voice. she came to visit my mom. sent her off at the lift landing. just as i was about to shut my house's door, the lift doors opened again and since my house was just in front of the lift, i saw zq coming out of the lift with a bouquet of flowers. he wanted to surprise me but i caught him by accident. haha. BUSTED.

oh dear i look bad in the 2nd picture -_- so act cute hahaa. and panda eyes.

was pleasantly surprised and i like flowers cos they're romantic and it means alot for a guy to be willing to spend on you. but i hate recieving them too cos they're white elephants- pretty but useless. also, i'd feel like i caused the death of the flowers and killed them.
but i was also upset that he used so much money to buy me roses because one reason i was so angry with him was cos he spent an EXORBITANT amount of money recently.
but he told me he got them from his friend who deals in flowers for only 20bucks so i felt better. normal bouquets of 12 red roses cost around $60. ohno i am a typical kiasu singaporean :O


my cat kept stalking us to eat the baby's breath in the bouquet. evidence above.
she really likes it. kept biting them. i thought it was adorable and funny until i googled it.

Baby's breath is classified as potentially toxic. When cats ingest this flower, vomiting, diarrhea, lethargy and lack of appetite may result.
-http://blog.seattlepi.nwsource.com/catnipconnection/archives/161379.asp?from=blog_last3

if you own cats, don't let it eat baby's breath! now i know -_-


wore island themed clothes that day! (again)

we went to suntec to walk around. had shokudo for lunch. yummy waffles :D
wanted to buy nike couple tee from nike bird but turned out that the tee is not worth it. quite lucky in a way cos i don't want him spend too much.
went to ecp to blade. brought extra shorts along but i think i have a new allergy. suspect it could be the pollen grains from the bouquet. but it could be the construction work at my house so there was alot of dust around. had horrible sinus and couldn't rollerblade. plus the weather so was humid and i felt so sticky. entered bad mood.

p.s. i hate ecp's toilets! dirttyyy :(

so we walked around and sat around macs then went for steamboat.
it was yummy but won't get tomyam soup stock again.
it's nice at first and appetising but soon you will grow sick of the taste.
i still prefer herbal chicken soup.

steamboat dinner was so nice until we realised that only cash was accepted. we went to withdraw money but the machine was spoilt! ecp is so stupid cos there is only 1 DBS machine behind macs. not even any other bank's machines nearby. in the end we panicked and finally decided to walk all the way to the hdb flats across the underpass to withdraw money. sigh.

think the steamboat was too heaty for me. cos i am now down with 3 humongous pimples, sore throat and an ulcer in my mouth! wth! disfigured.

went to do some kid's stuff- paint figurines! we got 2 figurines to paint for each other. think it's obvious who did which one. can u guess? =p
btw it's quite LOL because when we went to paint, there were only kids. after that, adults saw us painting and soon all the chairs and tables were filled with adults. one father even told his daughter she couldn't paint cos it's for adults. what a lousy excuse -_-
also, i feel quite proud cos alot of people walked past commenting loudly that our figurines were painted very nicely and pointing at us :D
yayy! but i think it's only cos they looked at it from afar. hahahaa.
it was fun!


guess who did which figurine and which figurine looks nicer?
VOTE FOR ME :D

night ended with him giving me my last gift. it is really sweet.
complicated paragraph below to explain the gift.

we got together in 2006 so he made me some handicraft depicting the exact date we got together. when we first bought our first couple rings, i was inexperienced and very shy. so i hastily got the wrong size and everytime i wear it my finger fats are squeezed out just like someone's tummy fats squuezed out of tight elastic pants. he noticed and secretly made a new ring for me in december 2008.
in january 2009 he sneaked into my house while i was sleeping. tried to put the new ring on my finger to see if it fit but i woke up. apparently i was in a daze and didnt know it was a new ring. even asked him how he found my ring cos i hid it in my drawers. he then put it onto my finger and it fit well. i didn't realise and asked him if the ring expanded or did i grow slimmer ( sadly no).

so i was really surprised when i recieved that new ring :D thank you. i will wear the ring and hold it dear in my heart. i'm sorry i lost optimism for awhile but thank you for not losing yours (:

-----------------------------------------------
ok if you read the above paragraphs sorry if i mushed you out. and yikes i seem to be writing lengthy compositions recently!

sunday. went to help my sister clean up her new house!
the house i blogged about some time ago was my big sis's. this time round it's my second sis's.
they seem to be growing up, marrying out, and moving out so fast. what a whirlwind i miss them already :(


mom and huisiang ( my sis's fiance) at their new house



the sofa and the bedframe so chio can!






my mama against the beautiful mosaic kitchen tiles :D

i'm so proud of my second sister. she's only 26 this year and has already achieved a loving husband. a new flat. and is getting a new car! she told me she will fetch me from nus if possible. i feel so happy. i have always wished for a father to fetch me home but it was impossible. but at least now i have a sister who can do so in my father's place. he must be very happy to see how well my sister is doing from above :')

my sister is also very conservative and traditional. (: proud of her because of that too. tempted as she is, she's not moving into the new flat yet. only her fiance is staying there. she doesn't wanna cohabit with him before marriage. hahaa. if it was me, i would have moved in already! the house is too pretty to resist in my opinion =p


family eating (:


pizza for dinner


hawaiian! fave~


sis + fiance = so happy together



------------------------

random pics (:



huiyuan's handmade soon kueh. yummy!
she learnt it on fri n made it on sunday. so pro hahahaa.
see the pictures look so orgasmic.

NUS


physics in life science project plus val's cute new bangs .


year 4 student liang po po doing his final year project already!!! *envy*


i hate math and i hate stats and histograms!

poh's bday card !


a fugly group picture of us hahaa


yinghui & our fruit juices at science canteen

went holland v for the first time in my life!
it's so small- just a street.
plus the clothes are so overpriced there.
and there is no windmill in holland v! not like what that mediacorp show potrayed.
it was just a small cardboard windmill tingie on top of the building.

tried coldrock.


wasn't very nice on the day we went :(



the couple in our clique.

tired. off to sleep. good nights all!

The blues they send to meet me won't defeat me

yay! today is thurs!
1 more day of schl n its weekends agn!
<3 <3 <3 som pics of the past week.. :) zq n i last sat at downtown east's new mall!
isnt the ferris wheel colourful n pretty?
it's sponsered by cadbury the chocolate maker i tink.
n haha i met chua kian hwee there too..
and he says he wants spicy hotpot with the gang!!

this is noble house restaurant at shenton way..
my fam n i went there last sunday to celebrate mother's day for my mom(n my big sis who gave birth not too long ago)

delicious food!! hahaha actually there are alot more saliva-inducing dishes but i was too busy gorging myself to take more pics :)
im feeling hungryyy looking at these pics!

this is my baby niece! isnt she so fair n cute?? haha loves her <3 som random shots of my family members and me!!
upon walkin out a door in the restaurant u come to a balcony and can see the singapore skies..
which look so clear and blue.. (see pic of bro n me against the sky)
but whn u look down it's all city area construction.
all mud.. eew.
these are som of my new classmates at NYP Physio course..
girl in yellow is vicky bicycle who kept insisting she has a bad tan!
girl in green is fannie who looks like a fair traditional princess.

haha P.S singapore is so small i realised i know who fannie's frens are n she knows me etc.


ok last but not least
this is fannie n me at my house doing project!
we are so HARDWORKING!
fannie can play the piano so well.. all the canon in d and duno-wad-amor.. =PpP
im not very learned in piano i can only play som SIMPLE xmas songs and som italian tunes..
i oso wana b learned in piano!!
but im born with no nimble fingers no exceptional special talents..
hahas.. shucks =P

well ok i have a talent and that's being uniquely me! =)
every1's got that talent.. uniquely urself.
LOL i seem so optimistic today..

still waiting for NUS results.. :)
last nite i dreamt i got in..
haha comeon man let my dream come true!

greatly missed;

a poem from the internet for my dad:
to remind me of him, of his presence in my heart.
he is greatly missed!
u know the song by craig david,
titled 'you don't miss your water till the well runs dry'?
the title is totally true, it reflects human nature so well.
for 9 years my dad has been there,
i could have talked to him so much more..
but i didn't, and now that he's gone,
i realise that i miss him so much, more than you would think.
i wake up, and his face is one of the first things that pop into my mind.
i wish he was here..
there is just this emptiness that's gonna linger around for quite awhile.

Greatly Missed by Amy
Richards
A Fathers touch, A Daddy's kiss,
A grieving Daughter,
You're greatly missed.

An empty house,
An empty chair,
A fathers love,
No longer there.

A broken heart,
Tear filled eye,
Another soul to fill the sky.

Many memories in my mind,
Some I laugh, Some I cry.

The times we shared, The laughs we had,
Things I miss when I think of you Dad.

Realizing that's all I have to hold on to,
Only memories, Of what once was you.

Missing your laugh, I will never again hear.
That is the reality that fills me with so much fear.

No more smile on your face,
No more warmth of your embrace.

The last hug, The last kiss,
The last "goodbye" leaves me with one last wish...

To have you Dad, here today,
Never to leave your Daughter this way.

A Father's touch,
A Daddy's kiss,
A grieving Daughter,
YOU'RE GREATLY MISSED!

moon river

currently listening to a song..
MOON RIVER
i love the tune..
so melancholic..

*hums along*
and..
friends have been really sweet to me..
writing poems and calling me to chat etc..
even those i didn't think would care
actually cared..
thank you..
you ppl are such dears..
but the sad thing is..
ppl i tot would care
didn't really care..
hmm how ironic and weird, huh?
but i wont get upset..
cos thr's just no point,
over this kinda ting.^^

anyways ppl,
im pretty much ok alr..
no more crying and stuff..
=DD
im strong!

my aunt was really nice..
she got this free hotel 1 night stay at ritz carlton hotel..
and she gave it to my mom
to cheer my mom up.

we went ova on friday
(since it was a public holiday and everyone was free)
had great fun there..
and the hotel room is beautiful.
esp the marble bathroom!
princessy~

beautiful marble bathroom!

see that door.. it's a separate cubicle..

for the toilet bowl! XD

i feel so happy just thinking about the luxurious bathroom!

my mum and sis on the soda..

the room has a view of the highway.

that's my bro with his psp,

perched upon a wonderfully bouncy 2-poster bed!

:D

my beautiful sis, now a noble mom, with baby miki!

girls of the family!

hey, im not included only bcos im the photographer!

that's the noble dad carryin his baby miki!

hehe see how happy miki is playing with the water.

*smiles*

even the bath salt is kept in such a pretty crystal container..

ahh~ how i wish the bathroom was mine!

that's me..

enjoying a soak in the bathtub

loves it~ such a luxury.

i feel guilty using so much water just for a bath though.

but i still love bath tub soaks!!

my eye.. wearing freshkon hazel contacts..

back to work

after taking leave for monday, tuesday, and wednesday,
im back at work.
colleagues expressed their concern and they even gave me bai jing,
which for those of u who dunno,
money given during funerals.
dun understand why some ppl would think of me as strong,
when im quite the crybaby.
felt like crying when my colleagues came over to console me and ask me abt my dad.

regarding my dad's death..
well i guess im quite ok about it.
sad, i still am, (DUH)
but im also happy that
he has been released from the pain and suffering
he had to endure over these 9 years.
i miss him though,
LOADS,
cant help thinking how different things would be if he had been there,
normal and healthy for our family.
i would probably be a very happy girl,
and i would probably not be me.
but i still wish he had been ok,
cos there's this empty space in me
knowing that my dad could have been thr.
he would have been a great dad!!
somtimes i cant help asking god,
why is it my dad,
not any1 else?
gosh, i guess i wont ever understand,
but my poor daddy,
such hard luck he has,
and he is such a nice man,
taking care not only of his own family,
but oso of his extended family.
ponders!!
dun tell me that the saying, 'nice guys finish last'
is true?
life is unfair but i shan't whine.
cos this is just the way life is.

his illness has brought some goodness along with it,
i suppose.
it has taught me so much,
not only me im sure,
but my whole family.
i was very spoiled as the youngest girl in the family.
and now,
i've learnt to become much more mature,
less ignorant,
and more tough.
though i still cry easily.
i tink underneath, ive learnt to become hard as nails.
i've learnt more abt life,
the pains illness can bring,
and how strong my mum is,(i wana b lyk her; mama my hero!)
and how painful life can be,
how vulnerable each and every1 of us really are.
eventually we become nothing but ash and dust,
or if im poetic, i would say,
we are nothing but food for the worms, in the end.
ive fully grasped the meaning of cherishing and carpe diem.
well, not perfectly, but im more or less there.
i duno how to explain what ive learnt,
but let's just say im grown up.
u guys prob think
im som bimbotic dumb superficial clueless girl
who keeps giggling and smiling,
but
i tink thr's more to me than just rainbows and smiles and giggles.
i've learnt, mellowed,
and i hav depth, ok!!!! :P
really.

on the bad side, though,
i've become very afraid, and fearful,
that illness and disease will come and grab another loved one from me.
or that its deadly tendrils may grasp me out of the blue,
and that i may become a burden to the people around me.
my dad once told my sis," if i knew i was gonna become sick and bedridden, i would rather jump off a building, then to become like this"
which is frigging sad. brings tears to my eyes.
well, just imagine if u're him.
my daddy who dosen ever wana be a burden to his family or anyone,
but he couldnt make the choice.
neither do i wana become a burden..
this is one of my greatest fear.
OK I HEREBY SOLEMNLY PROMISE TO DO MY BEST
TO BE HEALTHY!
I WILL EAT FRUITS VEGETABLES AND EXERCISE OFTEN!!
SLEEP EARLIER AND HAVE SUFFICIENT SLEEP!
sigh, this is affecting me so much,
i am still under so much emotional stress.
while what has happened unto my father has taught me so much,
it has also made me so paranoid. (-.-)"
people always tell me i think too much,
but seriously im really scared.
i dun wana lose another close to my heart,
it hurts like i-duno-how-to-explain-but-it's-a-hell-lot-of-pain!!

ok, i know,
what's bound to happen will happen,
and i should live my days happily lest anything bad should happen.
yep, i will,
cos my daddy was such a cheerful man!
will learn from the memories he left behind,
that i sadly donot remember much of.
but nvm~
i've wedged a passport photo of him
looking all jolly and happy and chubby and healthy
into my wallet!
just to remind of him all the time.

i used to hate my face shape,
cos it is kinda broad and squarish and round, all at the same time.
which isn't very dainty for a girl.
but i realise, i have the same face shape as my dad!
now i am very proud of it,
and i will hold my head and face up high!
i will tie more ponytails to make it visible.
i will no longer wish for an oval face,
cos this is what my parents left me,
i am happy and proud to inherit the genes
for this unique face shape!
*beams*

i also used to wonder,
where did my animal loving nature come from?
cos nobody in my family is really so crazy over animals as me.
then my mom told me,
my dad was also a great animal-lover!
he had many big dogs,
one of which is called sunny.
and he also kept alot of birds at one time.
made my mom very mad.
haha! well my keeping of little pets also made my mom very mad!
similarities between dad and me..
:)

daddy may be gone from this world,
but i will always remeber him, and learn to be like him!
was told he never failed to have a smile on his face..
silly daddy who is so lovely..
miss him.. hope he's happy in his new home in heaven..
cos heaven is whr he belongs.. :)

NOTE TO ALL MY NICE FRIENDS/ COLLEAGUES/ FAMILY/ EVERY1 WHO HAS BEEN THERE FOR ME:

thanks so much for ur kind words,
may it be real life, through sms/telephone calls/msn
i really appreciate it!
and esp to those im not even usually close to.. thanks so much..
and for those who turned up at the funeral.
sorry for letting u all see me so haggard and fugly but i dun care! =p
im naturally fugly, not happy isit!
anws. really thx for sparing time to come over to the funeral..
im touched.. u all even gave bai jing..
which makes me wana cry..
im embarrassed and touched.. thx so much..
touched by angels.
thank you. =))))

hello, goodbye

people come into this world,
and people leave.

on the 15th march 2008,
my father, Mr Fok Weng Kwong,
left this world.
him being a baptised christian,
I pray that the Lord has my father with him,
and I pray that the pain my father felt being bedridden for all these 9 years has been erased.
I pray that my father is flying in the clouds,
free and happy,
no longer bound by the reins of his illness, his stroke.
imagine not being able to move for 9years.
imagine being reduced from a chubby man to one who is like a twig.
imagine knowing your illness is eating away at you day by day,
knowing you will one day soon forget your frens, family, loved ones,
and yet there is nothing you cn do abt it.
u can no longer take care of your family,
u can no longer take care of urself,
u can no longer even move.
the pain my dad must have felt..
please, please pray for him too.

My father currently lies in St Teresa Church,
and he is alone there, alone in his coffin.
On Monday evening he will be incinerated..
and selfishly, I admit, I do not want him to be burnt.
I do not wish him to become just a pile of ashes..
Life is cruel, isn't it?
We could be alive one moment, dead in the next.
And what's worse is that you're alive,
but all those who are cose to your heart are taken away..
It really hurts..

I am not a good daughter.
I did not take good care of him.
I did not even see him when he breathed his last breath.
I was sleeping, like some useless bum.
which i prob am.
I did not even have any 6th sense, feel anything.
I was aroused from my sleep by my brother and my maid.
"wake up, your daddy has died," this is wad i heard.
shock and disbelief poured over me.
i was so naive.
i have always known that this day will come,
but i always ran away from the fact.
i always pushed away the notion that he will die,
telling myself all the time that it will never be 'tomorrow'.
boy, am i wrong.
and i feel damn guilty for it.

daddy,
i was so young when you had stroke.
i rmb how frightened i was when i came back from school one day,
to find blood, a pool of it,
on the bathroom floor.
u had slipped and fell.
but to keep me from worrying,
u told a little white lie.
u told me it was paint.
i believed u, until i realised blood was drippin from ur head to ur shirt.
u were sent to the hospital for stitches.
this was very early into ur illness.

daddy,
i still rmb initally when u had this illness
i often hear you shouting at others,
throwing ur tantrum, releasing ur rage.
is it cos of the anger you feel towards everyone, including god and yourself?
you did not understand why u had to be the one struck with this misfortunate disease.
now i see more clearly.

daddy,
i rmb i heard u crying.
becos u were afraid and sad.
u had to fight this battle ,
and u didn't noe wad to do.
im sorry i didnt understand.
im sorry i wasn't thr for u.

daddy,
day by day u grew more quiet.
before long, u couldn't talk.
ur eyes were glassy,
everytime i fed u,
i felt pain and sadness.
u grew skinny like a twig,
so fragile, so easily broken.
ur skin, grew so thin,
jus a simple rub would cause u to bleed.

daddy,
u dunno how much it hurt me when i saw u this way,
but thr was nothing much that i could do.
on march 15, u left,
and all i saw was the empty shell of ur physical body.
u were stiff and cold,

and daddy, i am sorry,
i have failed,
i did not even c u when u breathed ur last.
what would u hav said to me?
what would u hav felt?
would u have wanted to c me,
would u have wanted someone to cry to?

daddy,
i am so sorry..
i love you daddy..
and i miss u already..

daddy,
may u be happy in the skies.
pls know that i will never forget u..
and that i am praying that god has u..
that u r safe and free..
ur memories lie with me,
and i will always keep them close to me..

daddy,
ur pain is over..
i will always think of u,
when i look at what u hav left me,
the hello kitty bank, the pics u took carrying me,
the music box..

daddy,
hello,
and goodbye.

love always,
your daughter,
hanhan.