first times

well it's 1.15am and i shouldn't be typing here.
gotta wake at 6am tomorrow and be enthusiatic in my tutorial in order to gain participation points.
but i can't sleep. i'm not upset. more of like a neutral feeling. kinda numb.
maybe it's because i've felt the heartwrench earlier tonight. whoever says heartache is psychological could be wrong, you know. somehow when i'm really upset, my heart really hurts. it clenches, and feels like as though it's sinking. i just hope this numb feeling remains. i don't want to feel that heartache anymore. it's too tiring.

there's a first time for everything.
well tonight i experienced some first times.

- hung up on you and i didn't feel guilty or sorry at all. well. i just felt numb. and i knew very well i didn't want to hear your voice at all.
- didn't feel like checking my phone when it rang. i knew it was you but i just don't have any urge to check it. usually even if we fight i'd be eager to know what your response will be like.
-felt like, and am still feeling it, to cancel plans to meet on valentine's day. to be honest. valentine's day is overrated. i don't feel like caring.

i know i promised to be supportive. i was optimistic. i thought i could be, but ok now i take back my words. maybe i can't be.
i'm sorry.
i'm too frail and weak. i'm too easily tired.
i don't think i can take it.
everyday you stay out till 12am. 1am. now you tell me 2am. 3am.
am i to always wait for your calls so late?
i have school. this irregular sleeping pattern is killing me. my attention span. my energy. my health. my skin.
to want to communicate with you. is slowly becoming such a tough feat.
i'm tired of waiting. i hate to wait. i don't have to be the one to wait.
there is so much more i want to type. but i won't.

it's damn tiring.

you know. if you knew what my valentine's day present is.
it is so stupid and ironic.
oh what irony.

and hello. if any of you read this.
thanks for the attention. and congrats. you survived emo elmo.

good night.

expectations.

sometimes i feel that when we imagine the future of something that will never be,
and imagine what it would be like, how wonderful it will be,
we are only prepping ourselves up for disappointment.
i mean, life is, more often than not, not a bed of roses.
we won't always be looking through rose tinted lenses.
and when we imagine something, we tend to be more optimistic, no?
ah, now i sound like quite the pessimist.

so, when we make a choice to do something,
maybe it would be better to not think about the possibility of an alternative path?
while im quite the dreamer,
i find that sometimes dreaming about that alternative path hurts.
what's the point of dreaming about somthing that will never happen?
because some things just ain't meant to be,
and i gotta accept it,
not keep dreaming of
something that was never there, is not there, and will never be there.

wake up,
stop dreaming so much,
get your head out of the clouds.
it's dawn.
it's time for life again,
time for the truth to sink in.

i miss my dad.
can't stop thinking about him.
sigh, not coping well.
but i can't keep thinking about how life would be if he had been ok, if he's still here, right?

greatly missed;

a poem from the internet for my dad:
to remind me of him, of his presence in my heart.
he is greatly missed!
u know the song by craig david,
titled 'you don't miss your water till the well runs dry'?
the title is totally true, it reflects human nature so well.
for 9 years my dad has been there,
i could have talked to him so much more..
but i didn't, and now that he's gone,
i realise that i miss him so much, more than you would think.
i wake up, and his face is one of the first things that pop into my mind.
i wish he was here..
there is just this emptiness that's gonna linger around for quite awhile.

Greatly Missed by Amy
Richards
A Fathers touch, A Daddy's kiss,
A grieving Daughter,
You're greatly missed.

An empty house,
An empty chair,
A fathers love,
No longer there.

A broken heart,
Tear filled eye,
Another soul to fill the sky.

Many memories in my mind,
Some I laugh, Some I cry.

The times we shared, The laughs we had,
Things I miss when I think of you Dad.

Realizing that's all I have to hold on to,
Only memories, Of what once was you.

Missing your laugh, I will never again hear.
That is the reality that fills me with so much fear.

No more smile on your face,
No more warmth of your embrace.

The last hug, The last kiss,
The last "goodbye" leaves me with one last wish...

To have you Dad, here today,
Never to leave your Daughter this way.

A Father's touch,
A Daddy's kiss,
A grieving Daughter,
YOU'RE GREATLY MISSED!

back to work

after taking leave for monday, tuesday, and wednesday,
im back at work.
colleagues expressed their concern and they even gave me bai jing,
which for those of u who dunno,
money given during funerals.
dun understand why some ppl would think of me as strong,
when im quite the crybaby.
felt like crying when my colleagues came over to console me and ask me abt my dad.

regarding my dad's death..
well i guess im quite ok about it.
sad, i still am, (DUH)
but im also happy that
he has been released from the pain and suffering
he had to endure over these 9 years.
i miss him though,
LOADS,
cant help thinking how different things would be if he had been there,
normal and healthy for our family.
i would probably be a very happy girl,
and i would probably not be me.
but i still wish he had been ok,
cos there's this empty space in me
knowing that my dad could have been thr.
he would have been a great dad!!
somtimes i cant help asking god,
why is it my dad,
not any1 else?
gosh, i guess i wont ever understand,
but my poor daddy,
such hard luck he has,
and he is such a nice man,
taking care not only of his own family,
but oso of his extended family.
ponders!!
dun tell me that the saying, 'nice guys finish last'
is true?
life is unfair but i shan't whine.
cos this is just the way life is.

his illness has brought some goodness along with it,
i suppose.
it has taught me so much,
not only me im sure,
but my whole family.
i was very spoiled as the youngest girl in the family.
and now,
i've learnt to become much more mature,
less ignorant,
and more tough.
though i still cry easily.
i tink underneath, ive learnt to become hard as nails.
i've learnt more abt life,
the pains illness can bring,
and how strong my mum is,(i wana b lyk her; mama my hero!)
and how painful life can be,
how vulnerable each and every1 of us really are.
eventually we become nothing but ash and dust,
or if im poetic, i would say,
we are nothing but food for the worms, in the end.
ive fully grasped the meaning of cherishing and carpe diem.
well, not perfectly, but im more or less there.
i duno how to explain what ive learnt,
but let's just say im grown up.
u guys prob think
im som bimbotic dumb superficial clueless girl
who keeps giggling and smiling,
but
i tink thr's more to me than just rainbows and smiles and giggles.
i've learnt, mellowed,
and i hav depth, ok!!!! :P
really.

on the bad side, though,
i've become very afraid, and fearful,
that illness and disease will come and grab another loved one from me.
or that its deadly tendrils may grasp me out of the blue,
and that i may become a burden to the people around me.
my dad once told my sis," if i knew i was gonna become sick and bedridden, i would rather jump off a building, then to become like this"
which is frigging sad. brings tears to my eyes.
well, just imagine if u're him.
my daddy who dosen ever wana be a burden to his family or anyone,
but he couldnt make the choice.
neither do i wana become a burden..
this is one of my greatest fear.
OK I HEREBY SOLEMNLY PROMISE TO DO MY BEST
TO BE HEALTHY!
I WILL EAT FRUITS VEGETABLES AND EXERCISE OFTEN!!
SLEEP EARLIER AND HAVE SUFFICIENT SLEEP!
sigh, this is affecting me so much,
i am still under so much emotional stress.
while what has happened unto my father has taught me so much,
it has also made me so paranoid. (-.-)"
people always tell me i think too much,
but seriously im really scared.
i dun wana lose another close to my heart,
it hurts like i-duno-how-to-explain-but-it's-a-hell-lot-of-pain!!

ok, i know,
what's bound to happen will happen,
and i should live my days happily lest anything bad should happen.
yep, i will,
cos my daddy was such a cheerful man!
will learn from the memories he left behind,
that i sadly donot remember much of.
but nvm~
i've wedged a passport photo of him
looking all jolly and happy and chubby and healthy
into my wallet!
just to remind of him all the time.

i used to hate my face shape,
cos it is kinda broad and squarish and round, all at the same time.
which isn't very dainty for a girl.
but i realise, i have the same face shape as my dad!
now i am very proud of it,
and i will hold my head and face up high!
i will tie more ponytails to make it visible.
i will no longer wish for an oval face,
cos this is what my parents left me,
i am happy and proud to inherit the genes
for this unique face shape!
*beams*

i also used to wonder,
where did my animal loving nature come from?
cos nobody in my family is really so crazy over animals as me.
then my mom told me,
my dad was also a great animal-lover!
he had many big dogs,
one of which is called sunny.
and he also kept alot of birds at one time.
made my mom very mad.
haha! well my keeping of little pets also made my mom very mad!
similarities between dad and me..
:)

daddy may be gone from this world,
but i will always remeber him, and learn to be like him!
was told he never failed to have a smile on his face..
silly daddy who is so lovely..
miss him.. hope he's happy in his new home in heaven..
cos heaven is whr he belongs.. :)

NOTE TO ALL MY NICE FRIENDS/ COLLEAGUES/ FAMILY/ EVERY1 WHO HAS BEEN THERE FOR ME:

thanks so much for ur kind words,
may it be real life, through sms/telephone calls/msn
i really appreciate it!
and esp to those im not even usually close to.. thanks so much..
and for those who turned up at the funeral.
sorry for letting u all see me so haggard and fugly but i dun care! =p
im naturally fugly, not happy isit!
anws. really thx for sparing time to come over to the funeral..
im touched.. u all even gave bai jing..
which makes me wana cry..
im embarrassed and touched.. thx so much..
touched by angels.
thank you. =))))

hello, goodbye

people come into this world,
and people leave.

on the 15th march 2008,
my father, Mr Fok Weng Kwong,
left this world.
him being a baptised christian,
I pray that the Lord has my father with him,
and I pray that the pain my father felt being bedridden for all these 9 years has been erased.
I pray that my father is flying in the clouds,
free and happy,
no longer bound by the reins of his illness, his stroke.
imagine not being able to move for 9years.
imagine being reduced from a chubby man to one who is like a twig.
imagine knowing your illness is eating away at you day by day,
knowing you will one day soon forget your frens, family, loved ones,
and yet there is nothing you cn do abt it.
u can no longer take care of your family,
u can no longer take care of urself,
u can no longer even move.
the pain my dad must have felt..
please, please pray for him too.

My father currently lies in St Teresa Church,
and he is alone there, alone in his coffin.
On Monday evening he will be incinerated..
and selfishly, I admit, I do not want him to be burnt.
I do not wish him to become just a pile of ashes..
Life is cruel, isn't it?
We could be alive one moment, dead in the next.
And what's worse is that you're alive,
but all those who are cose to your heart are taken away..
It really hurts..

I am not a good daughter.
I did not take good care of him.
I did not even see him when he breathed his last breath.
I was sleeping, like some useless bum.
which i prob am.
I did not even have any 6th sense, feel anything.
I was aroused from my sleep by my brother and my maid.
"wake up, your daddy has died," this is wad i heard.
shock and disbelief poured over me.
i was so naive.
i have always known that this day will come,
but i always ran away from the fact.
i always pushed away the notion that he will die,
telling myself all the time that it will never be 'tomorrow'.
boy, am i wrong.
and i feel damn guilty for it.

daddy,
i was so young when you had stroke.
i rmb how frightened i was when i came back from school one day,
to find blood, a pool of it,
on the bathroom floor.
u had slipped and fell.
but to keep me from worrying,
u told a little white lie.
u told me it was paint.
i believed u, until i realised blood was drippin from ur head to ur shirt.
u were sent to the hospital for stitches.
this was very early into ur illness.

daddy,
i still rmb initally when u had this illness
i often hear you shouting at others,
throwing ur tantrum, releasing ur rage.
is it cos of the anger you feel towards everyone, including god and yourself?
you did not understand why u had to be the one struck with this misfortunate disease.
now i see more clearly.

daddy,
i rmb i heard u crying.
becos u were afraid and sad.
u had to fight this battle ,
and u didn't noe wad to do.
im sorry i didnt understand.
im sorry i wasn't thr for u.

daddy,
day by day u grew more quiet.
before long, u couldn't talk.
ur eyes were glassy,
everytime i fed u,
i felt pain and sadness.
u grew skinny like a twig,
so fragile, so easily broken.
ur skin, grew so thin,
jus a simple rub would cause u to bleed.

daddy,
u dunno how much it hurt me when i saw u this way,
but thr was nothing much that i could do.
on march 15, u left,
and all i saw was the empty shell of ur physical body.
u were stiff and cold,

and daddy, i am sorry,
i have failed,
i did not even c u when u breathed ur last.
what would u hav said to me?
what would u hav felt?
would u have wanted to c me,
would u have wanted someone to cry to?

daddy,
i am so sorry..
i love you daddy..
and i miss u already..

daddy,
may u be happy in the skies.
pls know that i will never forget u..
and that i am praying that god has u..
that u r safe and free..
ur memories lie with me,
and i will always keep them close to me..

daddy,
ur pain is over..
i will always think of u,
when i look at what u hav left me,
the hello kitty bank, the pics u took carrying me,
the music box..

daddy,
hello,
and goodbye.

love always,
your daughter,
hanhan.