Hurt me with the truth; but never comfort me with a lie

Ok... First off just wanna say thanks to everyone who has extended their concern to me. Arigatou gozaimasu! You guys know who you are. *appreciates*
I've actually been told by several people that I'm strong and asked by others who are experiencing problems  on how to cope with situations such as this. I'm quite shocked that some of you see me this way but thank you. I will work hard to become someone better and stronger. 
I'm not as strong as what some of you guys think. One guy friend actually told me I seem somewhat unaffected by the whole issue. Haha... Ain't that far from the truth. It's a damn painful process for me; it still is and I'm still struggling with it (to a certain extent). I'm someone with a vivid imagination so I dream a lot. You guys know what I dreamt of? 
I dreamt of my ex bathing with the new girl. I even saw a lot of their skin and steamy scenes in my dream. I dream about past moments we spent together and also of myself wearing Sherlock Holmes clothes hunting for evidence of him cheating. HAHA my brain is so ridiculous.
Anyway I often wake up with a headache and a sinking feeling in my stomach. And also when I read the conversations of him and her I didn't cry at all but I turned cold and shivered inwardly. Like a leaf in a winter's night. I also, in a way, blame myself for what happened and feel inadequate. I think I act like I'm confident la. But sometimes I really dislike myself. Like why am I not prettier, smarter, etc. Maybe then he'll think twice before he says things  he used to say to me, to her. But ya then I slap myself with an imaginary cold fish and tell myself to stop thinking that way.
 So yea. I'm so far from being strong... and so imperfect. -_-

  Continuing my recount of the heartbreak... This will be the last and final post on this whole saga. Not gonna run the events through my head anymore cos it does nothing for me.  --------------------------------------------------------------  So I found out you were already cheating. (Please read my previous post for details)  Still met you on Valentine's Day though. I remember it was a Tuesday, just a few days after the confrontation. I didn't get you any present. Cos everytime I thought about what happened I felt anger bubbling in my tummy and tears welling up in my eyes.  Yes, I felt this strongly about the whole saga.  Met you at City Hall.  Somehow when I saw you I felt quite differently about you.  You were no longer as handsome or cute to me. I think it was cos of the overwhelming emotions of betrayal,  anger and hurt. It's sad to feel that way because I wish I didn't have to. I think I told you in your face that you disgusted me. On hindsight, I'm sorry if it was hurtful. But your actions really did disgust me. You got me presents. 
A chipmunk soft toy and a box of Japanese cookies. This particular brand of Japanese cookies is significant to me; you brought some from your office for me the first time we met up. The brand of the Japanese cookies: Shiroi Koibito, 白い恋人. I used to love these cookies, but now they'll never taste the same to me anymore. Oh yea. I named the chipmunk soft toy 'Douchebag' after you and I told you in the face. After receiving the gifts, I asked to see your phone. Don't ask me why I did that, but I just like to know the cold hurt truth. Don't ask me why you allowed me to, without a fight. I don't regret looking at the phone- cos guess what.  While you got me presents, you were asking her if she wants flowers for Valentine's Day.  Seriously?!?! It's such an asshole move on your end! And you were telling me 'there is no other girl' and that 'Grace is just a friend'. -_-  I got really angry after I saw the phone messages and put the presents on the floor haha.  Fought with you. It was machiam.... World War 3.  And you told me, "If we're gonna fight everytime I meet you, I think we shouldn't meet. I bought those things because I want you to be happy."  Hello??? 
How am I not to get angry? Wait till it happens to you. And you want me to be happy? -_- Seriously I thank you for trying to settle things and that you bought nice stuff to pacify me. But seriously I don't need these items cos I would rather you just be the you I know you can be and tell me the truth. I mean, you were Platoon Best (if I didn't remember the title wrongly). You received the sword of honor. Where's the you I know you can be. So ya I really 不稀罕 those presents, especially if you are also getting her flowers at the same time.
You really trampled on my dignity, pride and self-respect with that move.
1.5 years of a relationship with you.... Am I not even worth a whole-hearted apology or the sincere truth? You know it. You know I know feelings can change. Maybe nothing lasts forever. Maybe sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead... It happened to me before. But unlike you, once I knew the feelings had changed, I did not cheat and lie. I knew it would hurt the person involved but I knew it wouldn't be fair to the person so I chose to let the person go. And yes, on hindsight I'm really glad I did that.
You could have told me the truth instead of all these nonsense.  Asked you about the times we had and the memories we forged. Did it mean nothing to you?  You told me, "Just because we had those times/ memories together, doesn't mean I have to marry you." Very nice. Nooo you don't have to marry me of course. It just so happens that you met this girl called Chloe Huo, and she really values love, relationships and sex. And while she wouldn't expect you to marry her, she entered this relationship loving and caring for you like you were her significant other. (:  I asked if you think we will be friends after this.  You said, "No, we have no common interests. But Grace and I will be friends for life."  It really hurts. Even if love fails and we can't be an item, we once shared a togetherness, a future, and we once shared things in common, right? We got to know each others' families and friends, and were involved in each others' lives, no?  :/
If you said so then so be it. I'll respect whatever you said.

 Anyway one lesson I learnt from this is to.... Always trust your gut instinct. Of course, do not jump to conclusions but yea when your intuition tells you something is wrong, chances are that something is wrong. 
I should have known you were cheating. I just chose to give you the benefit of the doubt. Like when I saw you constantly online on Whatsapp. And you sent me screenshots of group conversations with the guys but the timing doesn't tally anyway. Speaking of which. I never want this sort of evidence in my future relationship. It's so needless and tiring.
Or when I asked you to do a couple/ love analysis quiz with me. You told me you did it with Grace. Then you had that strange look on your face when I asked "Huh why and when". You told me you did it in a group with a group of friends, including her. I believed you and didn't kick up a fuss.  And the time we were laying down side by side and you told me you realised other girls have qualities which attract you. Then you told me when you look at girls on the street you rarely like any and I was one of the few you liked.  You told me Grace was a rare girl cos few girls actually want to join investment banking. And that it was because the two of you were both driven by your family circumstances that's why the two of you were working so hard together. 
I actually felt quite shocked you told me such stuff but I thought to myself it's normal for people to find attractive traits in others and it's a good thing that you're opening up to me. And I truly did listen to whatever you had to say to me. One of the traits I admire very much about you is that you work hard and strive hard so when you told me those stuff I really understood and felt happy that someone else could understand what you're going through career/ academic wise cos I'm not from Business School. Anyway, just want to say from a sincere point of view that it's true that Grace and you have high CAPs in NTU, like maxed out CAP of 5. And that both of you are in the banking industry striving hard to carve something out for yourselves, be it in investment banking or bank operations. So you guys make a good match. Banking people always marry banking people. Somehow.
 You told me you were looking for someone who can help you achieve bigger things in life. That when you wake up, you can no longer afford lazing in bed, in fact you would be drinking coffee and reading Business Times. That we can't go back to our worry-free, stress-free days when we first met. 
I know. I guess I failed you in this area. No doubt I'm not from banking and I know near to nothing about investments and babypips. But I'm not an airhead who doesn't have plans for her future. And I had nothing but a true heart for you. You may not believe it, but I gave everything I could to you.
When I told you that I know the truth, you used your mother against me. You said your mother asked you "what kind of girl I am".  You told me mothers are protective of their children. By the way I should mention that you quoted the exact same words from the conversation you had with Grace and used those words on me.
What kind of girl am I? Why don't you tell me.
I don't smoke. I don't sleep around. I don't do bad stuff. I don't drink. The only really bad thing I can think about myself- is that I'm nocturnal, I like to hang out late with my loved ones, and I am not very adept at housework. Maybe also that I can be blur.
I'm not trying to shrink responsibility, but I never forced you or asked you to be at my house overnight or hang out with me late if you didn't want to. I really did enjoy those late nights with you though, so I'm sorry if your mother really felt I'm some disrespectable girl. 
I just don't think it's very nice of you to use your mother's words against me. It really doesn't feel very good to be on the receiving end. 
Did I ever tell you whatever stuff my mom said? I don't think so. I didn't even tell you stuff like how my friends feel about you. What if I told you now. That some of them think you look like a frog or that you're stingy etc. Won't it be really painful? No doubt that we should all listen to what others have to say. But to use it against one another to JUDGE when things get rough-  I'm thankful to say I didn't stoop so low. 
So yar. I was just a girl who loved you. I was naive to believe everything you said. To think that you would be honest with me above all things.
 I truly cared and loved you. So I don't think I'm someone who's so undeserving of your love, such that you had to say those stuff as stated above to me, like I'm not worth a penny. That you were with me cos my sister was sick. Seriously. 

I respect your decision and I do not blame you for cheating on me. And since you chose the other girl, I wish you both happiness. 
Anyway I should add that while the girl was not the one who had any form of commitment towards me, she actually shook my hand when I was introduced to her as your girlfriend. And judging from the timeline of events, at that point of them you were already cheating on me with her.
Ok I'm gonna use hokkien and vulgarities here for a bit. Please do not judge.
FUCKKKKK I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING FOOL I AM SO FUCKING NAIVE AND STUPID. THIS IS SO SCREWED UP ARGHHHH LIFE IS SO SCREWED UP I WISH THIS DIDN'T HAVE TO HAPPEN ALONG WITH ALL OTHER UNCONTROLLABLE SHITS THAT'S HAPPENING AROUND ME.
Ok. I had to confess that to myself. 
No matter how hurtful someone is, he is always entitled to happiness himself. 
I learnt alot from this experience. 
You told me many things about myself too, like how I'm too rigid in my viewpoints, how I'm stubborn, how I am too righteous in my thoughts, how I'm not humble and kind. 
So yep. Thank you.  
I am looking into improving myself in the areas you pointed out, learning and trying to better myself. 
I also realised many bad things about myself, like how I overlooked some of your caring moments, how I throw tantrums and have mood swings, and may have hurt you throughout the course of our relationship. For that, I apologise, I didn't mean it. So yes. 
To end it off, I hope we both become better people at the end of all these drama. 
As of all the relationships I had with anyone else, I will always remember the times we had, even if you don't. 
The little moments. The cycling in the rain. Your proposal to me with a paper ring. The unplanned fireworks at Sentosa. The runs. The sweaty hugs. The Taiwan trip. The fights. Your arm as my pillow as we sleep at night. Your face when you see me smile. Your sweaty palms. The way I think you look like Harry Potter. Your 25 pull-ups because you know 25 is my favourite number. Our webcam conversations. The diamond necklace you gave me when you are absolutely stingy with spending on yourself. The times we snuck into several places. The times we climbed over the prohibited fences both at Bedok Reservoir and at Taiwan's Taroko Gorge.
The hokkien you taught me, namely the phrases such as 'chao guineng' and 'ba jiu siap siap'. The time you told me I was the best thing in your life. The time you used the red marker to colour your red spectacles because you didn't want to buy new spectacles. The time you played Dota with the guys at my house and I hugged you from behind. You stopped playing totally and then the guys had to call you on your handphone to tell you to resume gameplay. HAHA.
Ok shit. The most painful memories are not the bad ones, but the good ones which come back to haunt you.
Cherish whatever you guys have ok, everybody. It's so painful when you have to learn the hard way and everything is no longer reality but just a memory. So ya. Cherish.

Such fond memories. 
We were once so beautiful. 
I don't blame you for anything. Maybe I regret some things a little but never mind. 
I loved you. 
I guess I'll always have care and concern for you, out of what I would feel for any other person.
 You're only human, and so am I.
 I wish you nothing but the best in life. 
I hope you achieve big things in your life, as you desire. 

And for me, I'll just be finding myself. To find my own goals in life, my own happiness, to redefine myself, to not carry any spillover bitterness to my future spouse, to stop blaming myself and disliking myself just because of what happened.
Here's to bettering myself. 
And what I staunchly believe in...

Cheers ;)