Hurt :(

I wish I could pour out my sorrows somewhere.
But nobody will listen, nobody will understand. Not my mother, not my siblings, not my boyfriend, not my friends :(
I think we're all alone on a journey. People come, and people go, but ultimately we walk alone down this path of life.
People say blood is thicker than water. I've been raised to believe so, and I do believe in ties, but why do I feel so hurt by people who share the same blood as me :(
Arghs I'm feeling damn lousy and I think I'm extremely useless, just like what my sister said :(
I hate it. I think life's a bitch and that my family's a bitch too. I'm a bitch too, for writing this rant.

One of my family member loves to use my father against me, knowing that it hurts me. When we have little quarrels and fights, she always says stuff about my father which she knows will hurt me and shut me up. Sometime ago, she said I didn't love my father cos if I really loved him, I wouldn't have had the appetite to eat. Today, she said when my father died in the night, nobody was around, not even me. It really hurts :( Like a dagger driven through my heart. My greatest regret is that I was so unfilial :( That I wasn't by his deathbed. I couldn't reply her.I just walked away and did what I did best- cry. I'm so useless :(

Another family member scolded me yesterday for something I didn't think was my fault. Yesterday my brother came down with a flu. He came home from school and went to sleep. After he woke up at around 4pm and told me about it, I rushed him to bathe and brought him down to the clinic. But it was closed so we came home and he slept again. At about 6.40pm I woke him up again and rushed him down to get to the clinic by 6.55pm before the clinic opened at 7pm. Basically my sister scolded me for not bringing him down earlier. She said I was 20 but acted like I was 10. That I couldn't do things right and that I was inefficient. That I was an irresponsible Singaporean because what if it was swine flu? But I feel it wasn't my fault. My bro didn't notify me until about 4pm. Both he and I just thought he was tired. I rushed him down as soon as I could. My sister scolded me saying that I shouldn't have asked him to bathe. What? He was still in his school uniform and you all know all stinky boys are. Am I to ask him to go down all dishevelled and dirty? Doesn't she know he bathes like in 3 minutes? It's like WTF WTF la.. I got scolded for something that wasn't my fault... I did whatever I could, as quickly as I could :( Really. And when I said so, she said I was self-righteous and refused to accept that I was wrong :( My bro and I both think she's unreasonable. And mind you, the words she used to scold us were very mean and snide and hurtful :(

And I really think my sister is so mean. My big sister's birthday is coming and we're celebrating it this saturday :( We're all supposed to be in charge of something. My big bro-in-law is in charge of getting the cake, my sister of the present, and me of the desserts :( Then in order to save her husband the trouble, she is making me get the present. It's ok for me to get it, but guess what, she didn't even say thank you. She didn't say sorry either for scolding me so badly about the clinic incident. Sigh. By the way, I think she's really quite zhong se qing you. I know how getting married and everything is important, but how can she be so bad? Usually, when she talks to her husband to be, she ignores me and my bro :( When she and her husband are together, they like to watch the sitcom Friends on dvd. Then they will just walk away and go to sleep and leave either my bro, my mom, or me to pack up for them. And guess what? Last week she asked me to go sleep over at her new house. Even though I had exams the next day, I agreed to. In the end, it's cos her school students are going over and she needed my help to clean up. :(

Ok I'm sorry. I'm being sinful writing all these down. Sorry that I'm so petty and bitchy. I know I am. But I feel really hurt. I'm only human. I don't get the sorry or the thank you. At least my big sis calls me to say thanks when I take care of my niece and sorry if she snaps at me.

Ok, just one last note. My mom always sings their praises to the max. Not that I want my praises to be sang, cos sometimes she does sing mine too, so I'm not typing this out of jealousy. It's just quite unfair because not only they put in effort, so do we. For example, we had this big family cookout. Where my bro, my cousins, me, and my sister n her husband all helped out at the bbq. And my mom just kept singing their praises to me, but not my bro, me, or my cousins'. It's like we're invisible. It's like helloooo? I know they can be nice and all, I love them too, but don't you see they're not perfect? But of course I'm not saying that to my mom, don't want to hurt her in any way. I just nod and smile and agree.

Sigh. I wish I had money to jet away to some other lovely place and just escape it all :(
It's the holidays but I still feel sad :(
Thanks for taking the effort if you're reading. Hope you don't find me too petty or weepy. I'm just the loser that I am. Always taken for granted. :(

Heartbroken