first times

well it's 1.15am and i shouldn't be typing here.
gotta wake at 6am tomorrow and be enthusiatic in my tutorial in order to gain participation points.
but i can't sleep. i'm not upset. more of like a neutral feeling. kinda numb.
maybe it's because i've felt the heartwrench earlier tonight. whoever says heartache is psychological could be wrong, you know. somehow when i'm really upset, my heart really hurts. it clenches, and feels like as though it's sinking. i just hope this numb feeling remains. i don't want to feel that heartache anymore. it's too tiring.

there's a first time for everything.
well tonight i experienced some first times.

- hung up on you and i didn't feel guilty or sorry at all. well. i just felt numb. and i knew very well i didn't want to hear your voice at all.
- didn't feel like checking my phone when it rang. i knew it was you but i just don't have any urge to check it. usually even if we fight i'd be eager to know what your response will be like.
-felt like, and am still feeling it, to cancel plans to meet on valentine's day. to be honest. valentine's day is overrated. i don't feel like caring.

i know i promised to be supportive. i was optimistic. i thought i could be, but ok now i take back my words. maybe i can't be.
i'm sorry.
i'm too frail and weak. i'm too easily tired.
i don't think i can take it.
everyday you stay out till 12am. 1am. now you tell me 2am. 3am.
am i to always wait for your calls so late?
i have school. this irregular sleeping pattern is killing me. my attention span. my energy. my health. my skin.
to want to communicate with you. is slowly becoming such a tough feat.
i'm tired of waiting. i hate to wait. i don't have to be the one to wait.
there is so much more i want to type. but i won't.

it's damn tiring.

you know. if you knew what my valentine's day present is.
it is so stupid and ironic.
oh what irony.

and hello. if any of you read this.
thanks for the attention. and congrats. you survived emo elmo.

good night.