hello, goodbye

people come into this world,
and people leave.

on the 15th march 2008,
my father, Mr Fok Weng Kwong,
left this world.
him being a baptised christian,
I pray that the Lord has my father with him,
and I pray that the pain my father felt being bedridden for all these 9 years has been erased.
I pray that my father is flying in the clouds,
free and happy,
no longer bound by the reins of his illness, his stroke.
imagine not being able to move for 9years.
imagine being reduced from a chubby man to one who is like a twig.
imagine knowing your illness is eating away at you day by day,
knowing you will one day soon forget your frens, family, loved ones,
and yet there is nothing you cn do abt it.
u can no longer take care of your family,
u can no longer take care of urself,
u can no longer even move.
the pain my dad must have felt..
please, please pray for him too.

My father currently lies in St Teresa Church,
and he is alone there, alone in his coffin.
On Monday evening he will be incinerated..
and selfishly, I admit, I do not want him to be burnt.
I do not wish him to become just a pile of ashes..
Life is cruel, isn't it?
We could be alive one moment, dead in the next.
And what's worse is that you're alive,
but all those who are cose to your heart are taken away..
It really hurts..

I am not a good daughter.
I did not take good care of him.
I did not even see him when he breathed his last breath.
I was sleeping, like some useless bum.
which i prob am.
I did not even have any 6th sense, feel anything.
I was aroused from my sleep by my brother and my maid.
"wake up, your daddy has died," this is wad i heard.
shock and disbelief poured over me.
i was so naive.
i have always known that this day will come,
but i always ran away from the fact.
i always pushed away the notion that he will die,
telling myself all the time that it will never be 'tomorrow'.
boy, am i wrong.
and i feel damn guilty for it.

daddy,
i was so young when you had stroke.
i rmb how frightened i was when i came back from school one day,
to find blood, a pool of it,
on the bathroom floor.
u had slipped and fell.
but to keep me from worrying,
u told a little white lie.
u told me it was paint.
i believed u, until i realised blood was drippin from ur head to ur shirt.
u were sent to the hospital for stitches.
this was very early into ur illness.

daddy,
i still rmb initally when u had this illness
i often hear you shouting at others,
throwing ur tantrum, releasing ur rage.
is it cos of the anger you feel towards everyone, including god and yourself?
you did not understand why u had to be the one struck with this misfortunate disease.
now i see more clearly.

daddy,
i rmb i heard u crying.
becos u were afraid and sad.
u had to fight this battle ,
and u didn't noe wad to do.
im sorry i didnt understand.
im sorry i wasn't thr for u.

daddy,
day by day u grew more quiet.
before long, u couldn't talk.
ur eyes were glassy,
everytime i fed u,
i felt pain and sadness.
u grew skinny like a twig,
so fragile, so easily broken.
ur skin, grew so thin,
jus a simple rub would cause u to bleed.

daddy,
u dunno how much it hurt me when i saw u this way,
but thr was nothing much that i could do.
on march 15, u left,
and all i saw was the empty shell of ur physical body.
u were stiff and cold,

and daddy, i am sorry,
i have failed,
i did not even c u when u breathed ur last.
what would u hav said to me?
what would u hav felt?
would u have wanted to c me,
would u have wanted someone to cry to?

daddy,
i am so sorry..
i love you daddy..
and i miss u already..

daddy,
may u be happy in the skies.
pls know that i will never forget u..
and that i am praying that god has u..
that u r safe and free..
ur memories lie with me,
and i will always keep them close to me..

daddy,
ur pain is over..
i will always think of u,
when i look at what u hav left me,
the hello kitty bank, the pics u took carrying me,
the music box..

daddy,
hello,
and goodbye.

love always,
your daughter,
hanhan.