back to work

after taking leave for monday, tuesday, and wednesday,
im back at work.
colleagues expressed their concern and they even gave me bai jing,
which for those of u who dunno,
money given during funerals.
dun understand why some ppl would think of me as strong,
when im quite the crybaby.
felt like crying when my colleagues came over to console me and ask me abt my dad.

regarding my dad's death..
well i guess im quite ok about it.
sad, i still am, (DUH)
but im also happy that
he has been released from the pain and suffering
he had to endure over these 9 years.
i miss him though,
LOADS,
cant help thinking how different things would be if he had been there,
normal and healthy for our family.
i would probably be a very happy girl,
and i would probably not be me.
but i still wish he had been ok,
cos there's this empty space in me
knowing that my dad could have been thr.
he would have been a great dad!!
somtimes i cant help asking god,
why is it my dad,
not any1 else?
gosh, i guess i wont ever understand,
but my poor daddy,
such hard luck he has,
and he is such a nice man,
taking care not only of his own family,
but oso of his extended family.
ponders!!
dun tell me that the saying, 'nice guys finish last'
is true?
life is unfair but i shan't whine.
cos this is just the way life is.

his illness has brought some goodness along with it,
i suppose.
it has taught me so much,
not only me im sure,
but my whole family.
i was very spoiled as the youngest girl in the family.
and now,
i've learnt to become much more mature,
less ignorant,
and more tough.
though i still cry easily.
i tink underneath, ive learnt to become hard as nails.
i've learnt more abt life,
the pains illness can bring,
and how strong my mum is,(i wana b lyk her; mama my hero!)
and how painful life can be,
how vulnerable each and every1 of us really are.
eventually we become nothing but ash and dust,
or if im poetic, i would say,
we are nothing but food for the worms, in the end.
ive fully grasped the meaning of cherishing and carpe diem.
well, not perfectly, but im more or less there.
i duno how to explain what ive learnt,
but let's just say im grown up.
u guys prob think
im som bimbotic dumb superficial clueless girl
who keeps giggling and smiling,
but
i tink thr's more to me than just rainbows and smiles and giggles.
i've learnt, mellowed,
and i hav depth, ok!!!! :P
really.

on the bad side, though,
i've become very afraid, and fearful,
that illness and disease will come and grab another loved one from me.
or that its deadly tendrils may grasp me out of the blue,
and that i may become a burden to the people around me.
my dad once told my sis," if i knew i was gonna become sick and bedridden, i would rather jump off a building, then to become like this"
which is frigging sad. brings tears to my eyes.
well, just imagine if u're him.
my daddy who dosen ever wana be a burden to his family or anyone,
but he couldnt make the choice.
neither do i wana become a burden..
this is one of my greatest fear.
OK I HEREBY SOLEMNLY PROMISE TO DO MY BEST
TO BE HEALTHY!
I WILL EAT FRUITS VEGETABLES AND EXERCISE OFTEN!!
SLEEP EARLIER AND HAVE SUFFICIENT SLEEP!
sigh, this is affecting me so much,
i am still under so much emotional stress.
while what has happened unto my father has taught me so much,
it has also made me so paranoid. (-.-)"
people always tell me i think too much,
but seriously im really scared.
i dun wana lose another close to my heart,
it hurts like i-duno-how-to-explain-but-it's-a-hell-lot-of-pain!!

ok, i know,
what's bound to happen will happen,
and i should live my days happily lest anything bad should happen.
yep, i will,
cos my daddy was such a cheerful man!
will learn from the memories he left behind,
that i sadly donot remember much of.
but nvm~
i've wedged a passport photo of him
looking all jolly and happy and chubby and healthy
into my wallet!
just to remind of him all the time.

i used to hate my face shape,
cos it is kinda broad and squarish and round, all at the same time.
which isn't very dainty for a girl.
but i realise, i have the same face shape as my dad!
now i am very proud of it,
and i will hold my head and face up high!
i will tie more ponytails to make it visible.
i will no longer wish for an oval face,
cos this is what my parents left me,
i am happy and proud to inherit the genes
for this unique face shape!
*beams*

i also used to wonder,
where did my animal loving nature come from?
cos nobody in my family is really so crazy over animals as me.
then my mom told me,
my dad was also a great animal-lover!
he had many big dogs,
one of which is called sunny.
and he also kept alot of birds at one time.
made my mom very mad.
haha! well my keeping of little pets also made my mom very mad!
similarities between dad and me..
:)

daddy may be gone from this world,
but i will always remeber him, and learn to be like him!
was told he never failed to have a smile on his face..
silly daddy who is so lovely..
miss him.. hope he's happy in his new home in heaven..
cos heaven is whr he belongs.. :)

NOTE TO ALL MY NICE FRIENDS/ COLLEAGUES/ FAMILY/ EVERY1 WHO HAS BEEN THERE FOR ME:

thanks so much for ur kind words,
may it be real life, through sms/telephone calls/msn
i really appreciate it!
and esp to those im not even usually close to.. thanks so much..
and for those who turned up at the funeral.
sorry for letting u all see me so haggard and fugly but i dun care! =p
im naturally fugly, not happy isit!
anws. really thx for sparing time to come over to the funeral..
im touched.. u all even gave bai jing..
which makes me wana cry..
im embarrassed and touched.. thx so much..
touched by angels.
thank you. =))))