Post-mortem of 2011

Happy new year. May 2012 be a great year for you. And for me too.


(:


I had a good countdown to the new year and the above picture was snapped with my iphone. It's nice to view fireworks once in awhile. 


So here's my post-mortem for the past year.


2011... The first half of the year was pretty good... But things seemed to unravel and go down-hill in the second half of the year.  


One major milestone in 2011 and in my life was my graduation. It signified the end of school life and the entry into adulthood. 

Milestone: Entry into workforce 

Pros: -Financial independence and a fatter wallet/ bank account; to be able to give my mom money and also contribute to family holidays and household funds. -The exposure to the real world; we will all have to grow up someday.-Working has definitely broadened my perspective on issues and exposed me to different experiences; I'm learning everyday

Cons:-Loss of freedom; with a job comes responsibilities and deadlines-Envy towards friends who are still schooling; because they still have plenty of free time-Insatiable pining for public holidays; because work-life signals the death of school holidays

I'm still in the transition stage of arrested adulthood. Some responsibilities have come into play for me, but not all. I'm not spoilt, but definitely pampered. All my life I've had a maid to take care of me, never had to do house chores, never had to wake up early. Although I'm working now, my mom still pays my hand-phone bills for me. I'm the third daughter of the family, so there is minimal pressure on me having to rush into the work field to help support the family. I'm lucky.


On hindsight, after 6 months of work, I feel I'm still young and too sheltered. I definitely have lots to learn and I hope I'll mature into a better person. Right now, I'm still getting used to the transition into work life. I know it's been 6 months, but I still feel envious of my friends who are having their school holidays. I guess I'm mourning the past phase of life but moving forward into this new phase. 




I'm an emotional person. Sentimental too. I prize my relationships with others and that's why I really love my family, partner, friends and my pets. It's probably not good because when things happen, I'm really affected. 


One issue which has been bothering me in 2011 is the diagnosis of my sister's illness. I'm close to her and the illness doesn't have a cure currently. 


When I first found out about the news I was really down. Especially so when it is linked to the illness my father died from - neuro health issues. I had to keep the health issue from my mom and brother who are living with me in the same house because one was too old and one was too young to know and we didn't want to affect them. And when both sisters had something to say and didn't want to affect each other, both will tell me depressing stuff individually.


Anyway my mom found out a few days ago and appeared to be okay, but she just broke down and cried just now. On new year's day. She told me she took extra pains to take tonics and to take care of herself during labour for all of us and my sister was the healthiest and pinkest of us four siblings. She told me she would rather bad things happen to her than any of us. She told me she has never done evil things, and why must things like this happen to my father and my sister. She told life to take it all away, whatever it wants to, since life has been taking everything away anyway. All the while she had been crying; and not the silent type of crying, but painful crying with sounds. I seriously felt terrible having to hear my mom cry, sitting next to her and yet not being able to stop her tears.


To be truthful my mom has really had a hard life. So many things have happened to her, I can't even type them out. ): She lost my father, and now my sister who is her favourite child. She loves all of us, but my sister is the closest to her because their personalities match and they get along very well with each other. 


I'm really sad. There's this pain in me because I know it's kind of like a death sentence my sis had been sentenced to. Right now we're just waiting for the blood test results to see if the illness is hereditary- if it is, I'll have to go for further check-ups with my siblings because we may be inflicted too. But thing is, my sister is already affected, and hereditary or not, she is ill. As I'm typing this out it seems surreal. I don't know. It's like a joke. First my father and now my sister. 


I feel depressed. There's this pain in me and I'm sure my sister herself and her husband and my mother must be feeling much worse. But this pain in me is enough to make me understand why people would want to kill themselves. It's really painful. I definitely won't commit the act of killing myself but I understand what drives them to such actions. And to think I used to think it was crazy of people to kill themselves. I tried not to cry in front of my sister and mother but I ended up having goosebumps, feeling cold and choking. Kinda angry with myself for not being able to be stronger. I really don't want to lose anyone anymore and desperately want my family to be happy but it's not up to me. It's like a nightmare and I hate being an emo but I can't help being sad. Sigh. 



Another issue is that my relationship isn't in the pink of health either. Another aspect of life I place much emphasis on. We both keep going down swingin' - that's in Ryan Gosling's words - meaning that we keep fighting. It's like Neyo's song 'Mad'. 


It's a nightmare.


All I want is for us to be happy, and for us to be there for each other. Sadly we both seem to feel like we can't understand each other. And we keep having misunderstandings and stuff.


I just hope you know I do love you. I don't know why we fight too. I'm not a quitter, but I also know sometimes we have to quit while we're ahead, like if we're incompatible, because sometimes love is not enough to sustain a long term relationship.


Yet I still feel there's a chance for us to be better too. Maybe we just met at the wrong time and much weathering is needed before we become better than ever.


Sigh. I'm just hoping it'll get better and we'll get better. If we are meant to be, we will be.


I'm pretty depressed. I feel hollow. This is definitely a rough patch in my life. I don't know if I'll be better again. Hopefully? Or maybe I'll just be like a soldier who came back from war- never the same as before.


I used to be happier. I'm generally a cheerful person who jokes a lot and makes people laugh. I want to smile, not pout. But somehow life is getting me down. I'll still smile and laugh and joke of course. But happiness seems transient. For now, at least.


I know I have it better than many other people. So I ought to be thankful and happier. I'll try.


If you've read this, congratulations. You survived my first dose of verbal diarrhea in year 2012.


Here's to a better year, and many better times ahead, whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever you are doing. 


Cheers.